I have a modest yarn stash that fits neatly into three plastic storage tubs that are hidden in the built-in wardrobe of our guest bedroom.  You might recall that I have been implementing some lifestyle changes and one of those is to only buy what I need, not what I want.  It’s hard to justify buying more yarn when I have boxes of it right here.  There is a new knitting project that I want to start but I’m not entirely certain that the yarn I have in my stash is suitable.  The pattern calls for about 400 yards of 10 ply wool.  It’s almost impossible to find 10 ply here and it’s rarely cold enough to justify making anything with 10 ply anyway.  I have 5 x 40g balls of a gorgeous 8 ply wool and silk blend that would be perfect for this project but this yarn is vintage and the ball band doesn’t state the yardage.  I’ve checked Ravelry and Yarndex but it’s not listed.  The only way I know to check the yardage is to physically measure it but I really don’t want to do that.  Ugh.

Edited to add:  After a lot of internal debate, I’ve decided there isn’t enough wool/silk in my stash to make that project so I ordered some Cascade 220 for the job.  The yarn miles (Peru-USA-Australia) are too scary to contemplate so in a pathetic attempt to justify my weakness, I ordered enough for the next three projects in my queue.

I started this baby blanket to bring Max home but I put it away unfinished when we lost him.  It came back out while we were trying to conceive again and I hoped it would be the blanket I’d use to bring Nicholas home from the hospital.  When it became clear that Nicholas wouldn’t be needing it, it went back into the cupboard again.  I brought it back out again when I came home from the hospital – working on the lace border has kept me busy over the last few weeks.  I finally finished it last night; a lot of hopes, dreams, wishes, love, tears, sadness and heartache have been stitched into every row.

On my last day in the hospital, the horrible horrible day I had to leave little Nicholas and go home, there was a midwife that was assigned to look after me that wasn’t very nice.  She didn’t do any observations, didn’t help me when I told her that the food services ladies hadn’t given me any breakfast and when I was heading out to buy a cup of tea from the cafe in the main hospital foyer, she reprimanded me for carrying Nicholas.  I don’t care about the observations but she should’ve at least stuck her head through the door to see if I was ok.  And the breakfast thing made me cry but in reality I only wanted the cup of tea from the tray; they could keep their square eggs and cold toast.  But telling me that I couldn’t carry Nicholas after I was specifically told that I could provided I was discrete was just mean.  She also wouldn’t let me put Nicholas into the box that goes to the mortuary – she made me put him down in the cot and leave the room, then the hospital.  As we were walking out the main doors, she appeared behind us to return my hospital visit card (the clerk had taken it from me when I was admitted and it ended up in my file).  She gave me a big hug and wished us well then she was gone.

Some time during that day between these events, she stopped me in the hallway while I was pacing the corridors and told me that she was also working as a volunteer at Dr Hamlin’s Fistula Hospital in Ethiopia and would be going there again in April.  We talked briefly about her work and she told me that the ladies treated at the hospital arrive with nothing, usually having walked very very long distances for treatment.  She said her knitting group were slowly making blankets, headbands, etc to give to these ladies and these items give them comfort during their time at the hospital.  The midwife explained that many of these women are married by the time they are 12 and their injuries are the result of horrific childbirth complications that almost always result in the eventual delivery of a stillborn baby.  They live with these injuries for many years and are ostracised by their families.  They are fragile, timid and child-like despite having been forced to grow up so quickly.  Just like so many little girls, these women love to receive dolls and enjoy having their nails painted.

Once home again, I packed up some of the baby things I had made to donate to the hospital, and I put together a bag containing fifteen knitted teddy bears that fit snuggly in the palm of your hand.  I ran out of time and wasn’t able to embroider faces on the bears but I gave them to the social worker to pass on to the midwife.  Then I didn’t think of them again until yesterday.

Late yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from the midwife, Marianne, thanking me for the bears.  She spoke quietly and described how another nurse was now stitching little faces onto the bears and how she thought the bears would be loved by the ladies at the Fistula Hospital.  We spoke for well over half an hour and shared the story of her own pregnancy loss.  I’m not surprised at all now that she kept as far away from me as possible while I held Nicholas – it reminded her of her own loss.

She asked me how I am and I told her the truth.  I am struggling.  I cry all the time, often for no reason but for much longer and uncontrollably when I think of Nicholas.  I sleep but always wake up feeling very tired.  I have no appetite and don’t eat except for the two apples I ate in the last two days.  I drink a lot of tea and water, and I cry a lot.  Nothing holds my attention or interest anymore, if anything I care less about most things.  Two weeks ago, in a bit of a fit, I deleted my Facebook, Twitter, etc accounts and I don’t miss them.  I find it very difficult to be around people, and I’m constantly forgetting what I was saying.  When I wake in the morning, I’m already fighting back the tears.  And rather than lay on the couch in my PJs all day, I get up and shower right away and get dressed.  Then I lay on the couch all day.  The truth is that I do this only so I can use the same baby wash we used in the hospital for Nicholas’ bath — this way I can smell him again.

Marianne asked if it would be ok for her to call me again and I agreed.  We also agreed to meet for coffee when she returns and she said she will bring photos from Africa to show me.  I’m trying very hard to say yes when people ask me to go to coffee, etc.  Yesterday afternoon I went to a friend’s house and she was taken back a little when she opened the door.  My eyes are very puffy and I have dark circles around my eyes.  We sat in her kitchen and drank tea and I fought back tears the entire time.  She has a 4 year old, a 2 year old and is now 19 weeks pregnant.  I am very happy that she is pregnant again and that everything is going welll.  She fell pregnant at the same time I did with Nicholas but her pregnancy ended with a blighted ovum and I know it wasn’t easy for her to have to watch my pregnancy continue.  Another friend said she would come over on Monday but again she has a 19 month old.  I’m surrounded.

Little Nudgie’s HAPL aunties sent me a care package of lots of beautiful things to make me smile.  It arrived a couple of days ago but with funeral arrangements and all day PJ sessions, I wasn’t able to go to the post office until this morning to collect it. [Click the thumbnails to see the bigger photo]

This is the surprise that greeted me when I opened the box -

So many beautiful things!  This is everything again, out of the box -

And one more photo, this time with all the little packages unwrapped -

And a special thank you also to Robin who made two gorgeous little hats for Nudge to wear in the hospital -

Thank you ladies, everything is completely perfect and beautiful. You’re all so kind and thoughtful.  xx

This is bloody brilliant!

The husband and I saw our favourite medical professional on Wednesday and she has set up a hot date with the plastic cup for him, and a no-refined-sugar plus stop-start-running regime for me.  The cup is to check his swimmers in case that’s the reason it’s taking for-ever to conceive again, and the food/exercise thing for me is suppose to kick my endocrine system in the groin. Though I’m always moaning about wanting to lose 5kg, I’m not overweight but my cycles have been a bit off since having Max.  Apparently sugar is thy enemy, especially late at night and while I walk a lot anyway (up to 9,000 steps on a normal weekday before any exercise), she seems to think there’s something in the walk-a-minute-then-run-a-minute thing.

I enjoy walking, especially with the ipod but it’s too bulky to run with.  I’d decided to look for a cheapo compact mp3 player on ebay this weekend but the husband surprised me with an ipod shuffle instead.  Meet Kermit:

I’ve loaded him up with some suitable music, including my two new favourites Kaiser Chiefs and the Fratellis. Most excellent music for walking fast!  I even woke up early this morning with the intension of going for a run but it seems I’ve sat down to blog instead.  Oops!

In other news, work has been an effing nightmare.  A couple of months ago I interviewed and subsequently hired a permanent part time assistant.  She is great, except that she had a death in the family and needed a couple of weeks off.  She’ll be back Monday, I hope.  I’ve had a full time temp in too and while she started out brilliantly, my good opinion of her has since faded.  Besides a complete inability to work under pressure without snapping at everyone, she doesn’t like being told what to do and when to do it.  Big problem.  Then a couple of weeks ago, she announced that she was “burned out” from working a gruelling 6hr day, 4 times per week and that she required a week of stress leave.  No way was that shit coming out of our budget and since she is a temp, we just unhired her for the week she wanted off. I don’t think she liked that very much so she called in sick twice and got all mopey and sullen. I thought teen emo was ugly but jebus it’s ugly on a middle-aged fish wife!  Meow!  By Thursday, I’d had enough of her personality disorder so we declared her no longer required and sent her back from whence she came.  On Friday I interviewed for her permanent replacement.  Gawd.  I’m pretty sure the first rule of What Not to Say at a Job Interview is “do not bitch about your current managers and colleagues”.  The second rule should be “do not apply for full time positions if you only want part time work”.  I’ll be putting in an order to readvertise the position next week.  Why is good help so hard to find?

Recently my knitting time has been reallocated to study time but as I seem to be on top of my study load at the moment I think I’ll try to get some wips finished this weekend.  The weather has been total crap (another reason I’m blogging instead of running right now); grey, cold and wet but perfect for sitting on the couch while knitting, drinking tea and watching DVDs.  There’s a couple of inches left to make on the fingerless mittens (mittenless mittens?) and I should whip up something for my neighbour’s baby that is due pretty much now. I’m favouring the baby pumpkin hat for her baby as these hats are pretty successful gifts, they’re quick to knit and since I can’t remember if she said she knew the baby’s gender; orange is fairly non-gender specific.

OK, walk/run time. Now where did I leave Kermit?

Something happened to the memory card in my digital camera, in that it wasn’t recognising the card. Unfortunately I had a little brain fart when I bought a replacement. I somehow came home with an SD card instead of an XD card. So the husband scored a new 4GB SD card for his camera. When I explained what I was trying to achieve, he asked to see my camera and within mere minutes he had it fixed and working again. Thank you Mr Fixit. And so, in honour of having a working digital camera again, I’ve snapped off a bunch of photos to properly document my day.

This morning I had another sleep in, then we met the inlaws for lunch. Then we came home again and I put on an Austen DVD and did a little studying.

I finished the chapter on Bills of Exchange, boring, then baked a double layer sponge cake for the husband.

While the cakes were cooling, I got comfy on the couch with a cup of tea and my latest knitting project.

Don’t you just love these stitch markers? I found them on etsy a while back. Love them!

Having reached a good spot in the pattern to take a break, I played through my scales a bunch of times.

Then it was time to fill the cake with jam and cream, and call the husband in for a break.

The end :)

Sometimes I knit for charity, though not as often as I should. Mostly it’s been things to donate to the various volunteers of the hospital where I work, or to the birthing unit where my son was born.  This year I signed up for Knit one, give one (KOGO) which is a group that knit scarves and beanies for various charitable organisations in Victoria.  My yarn stash arrived yesterday and I very excitedly ripped into the bag to discover what yummy yarns they sent. Last year it was lovely pink and purple balls of soft 100% Australian merino yarn.  This year it is yellow, burgundy and light blue 100% acrylic Carnival crap yarn.  I cast on four times last night in an attempt to make a scarf but the yarn is really scratchy and stiff, and by the time I reached the fifth row, the stitches were too tight. Ugh! Acrylic! At least it was made in Australia.  My sister-in-law is also doing KOGO this year and she received her stash on Friday. They also sent her some Carnival yarn but her lot is all 100% wool. Boo!

I’ve decided to use some yummy yarn from my stash instead and I’ll return the acrylic with a little note.

Edit: The delightful Ms Zane asked (via Twitter) about photos of knitting. This prodded me to add thumbnails to my Ravelry progress bars which are way down there *points* on the lower left side of the screen. However, I’m a little behind on adding photos of my current WIPs because the compact flash card in my camera died. Boo! I have one of those digital cameras that uses both CF and XD cards but the XD card I have is ridiculously small (16MB!). I’ll buy a new card this week (if I can get out of the office at all) and should be posting WIP photos again soon.

• Piano lessons are going very well so I bought myself a little treat:
• I have had a very productive week as far as knitting goes. I’ve finished the lacy pink and black scarf and a pair of uber cute black Converse Chuck Taylor booties. I’m keen to cast on again but I have no idea what to make next. I’m seriously considering knitting baby items to sell since learning that one of the knitted soakers I made for a friend’s baby fetched over $30 on ebay. And that was as a second-hand item! Not bad for $4 worth of wool and a couple of hours in front of the tv. My thought is that I’m going to knit anyway, I might as well make a little money doing it. And it could provide a nice little income when (if) I’m (ever) at home with a baby.
• Uni starts up again on Monday and I’m quite excited about it. I’ll be taking Commercial Law first up, which looks pretty interesting. Best of all, unlike previous law texts, the textbook isn’t massive; it will actually fit into my regular handbag so I won’t have to carry a separate bag around with me.
• Work was better this week. I have another assistant and she is awesome. The first assistant they gave me came from the temporary staffing pool was relieved from her position after being one hour late on five consecutive days, calling in sick on her sixth day, late again on day seven, then failing to show up or call in on the day eight. Assistant V2.0 is enthusiastic, intelligent, proactive and professional. She’s also wickedly funny and makes an excellent cup of tea.
• Gossip from the ‘hood: A couple of days ago my Korean neighbour side-swiped my other neighbour’s late model green car with their little white shitbox. They exchanged a good amount of paint and did a substantial amount of damage then DROVE OFF! Today they parked their shitbox on the street again but didn’t even attempt to hide the green paint on their own car. She confronted the neighbours but they pulled the “sorry no english” thing, just as they did when I confronted them about flicking cigarette butts onto our lawn. Needless to say, she has taken plenty of photos and involved the police. Ahh, it’s all good in the hood.
• Today my sister and I bought a fabulous variety of birthday presents for our very spoilt and completely gorgeous niece. She turns one tomorrow. Where does the time go?
• While exerting an incredible amount of self-control, I was able to walk straight past the huge Easter egg display at Big W today without pushing my thumb through any of the eggs. I did, however, attempt to hurt a Terry’s Chocolate Orange as part of my personal protest against the combining of hated fake ORANGE flavouring with much loved CHOCOLATE, only to be informed by my sister that said Terry’s Chocolate Orange is actually solid not hollow, and therefore impervious to my thumb. The force is strong with this one.
• I really don’t like my new Remington electric razor. My old one was great but this one is so rough on my skin. Damn you Remington *shakes fist*
• Max’s due date was last Friday. I had really hoped to be pregnant again by now but it obviously wasn’t meant to be. I’m getting really tired of all the deliberate glances towards my belly. Fortunately I’ve managed to lose all the baby weight plus one kilo so there’s nothing to see.

We received some more bad baby news this week. My brother’s wife’s sister is pregnant with twin girls and is due two weeks before my own EDD. Sadly one of the twins has died. There’s all kinds of complications involved now and I really hope that everything works out ok for mum and the surviving baby. It just goes to show that life is really very fragile and nothing is guaranteed until that baby is out and in your arms.

Today marks the two month anniversary of losing baby Max, and while I’m ok about this right now, I’m also a day or two off the end of my TWW. I’ve had a three BFN so I’m not holding out much hope that we’ll get it this time around. I have to keep telling myself that it’s ok if we don’t conceive before my EDD because this time really belongs to Max. If it is suppose to be then it will happen when it happens, right?

Since deferring my university studies this semester, I’ve been using all of this delicious free time to knit knit knit. I’ve just started Elizabeth Zimmerman’s garter stitch baby blanket in a pale blue. It’s a pretty cool little pattern but it required a provisional cast on which I’ve never done before. After googling for lots of how-to videos, I’ve finally mastered it and now feel like I’m king of the world!

I’ve also been knitting various items to give to the birthing unit to replace the items they gave us for Max. The little gown he wore was really too big and I thought I might be able to make something to fit these little 16-22wk babies. After roadtesting lots of different patterns, I’ve settled on an “Angel Wrap” which is a one-piece garment that has an attached bonnet and a front that laces up with ribbon. I prefer the ribbon lace-up patterns because it allows you to pull the laces a little snugger to make the garment a better fit on a smaller baby. I want to knit one more of these angel wraps and two little hats before our appointment at the birthing unit early next month. In truth I’m actually expecting a phone call from the birthing unit saying not to bother coming in because there are no results to be had from the chromosomal testing. Maybe they’ll prefer to tell us that in person? Who knows?