The autumn weather has finally arrived.  It’s cool, dark and raining today – much better for laying on the couch and being sad.  I thought about driving the husband to work today so I could have the car but then I decided against it.  I have a stack of forms from the hospital that I need to take to Medicare – I had to wait until Nicholas’ birth certificate arrived, but now I have it, I just don’t think I’m up to dealing with the forms.  I also said I would go and see Fiona but I don’t feel like that either (she has a one year old).

My grandmother called this morning to tell me that the daughter of her friend has just brought home two Ethiopian children.  Their adoption process took eight years.  She also said that many of her friends have told her about their relatives that have lost babies and my having lost three pregnancies “is nothing compared to the number that some women have lost”.  This really doesn’t help me at all, but she seems to think it does and she’s very elderly so I just let it slide.  My grandmother also had some “helpful” ideas to help me get through the depression.  Apparently I should play tennis.  A couple of weeks ago, she suggested I drink some orange juice because that will make me feel better.  I just keep telling myself that she means well and she’s old and doesn’t really understand what she is saying.  0.o

In truth, adoption is an option for my husband and I but we have only briefly discussed it because we think there is still a chance that we can have our own children.  When we last talked about adoption he said he thought intercountry adoption is “immoral”.  Now I don’t understand what he means by that, and he has never qualified the statement.  As for local adoption, we’ve barely discussed that either but again he wasn’t keen.  And it’s moot anyway, as I’ve just discovered that he is too old to apply.  We could adopt a special needs child locally but I don’t know that we’re are really truly one-hundred-per-cent able to provide an ideal home for a special needs child.  The reality of our current situation is that we both need to work.  I have stock-piled a lot of annual leave and my workplace agreement is such that I can take paid maternity leave plus that annual leave at half-pay which would permit me to be at home for a year.  After that, I’d use my employer’s on-site day care and work part-time (probably two days, possibly three).  I put Nudge on the day care waiting list when I was just 10wks pregnant to guarantee I would get the days I wanted.  I don’t know how we could possibly work adoption into this plan.  And I really have no idea what we would’ve done with our own children once they reach school age – I just always figured that I would find a 9-3pm job by then or at worst, hope that before/after school care would be available at which ever school they attended.

Fostering is also an option for us but both my husband and I know two couples that have opened their homes and hearts to foster kids and for both couples, it has been disastrous.  His friends were living in fear because the biological parents decided to wage war on them.  They were viewed as having “stolen their kids” and the feral family vandalised their house, cars, etc.  They were in and out of court, applying for apprehended violence orders, etc and with little support from the relevant government body.  Who needs that?  My friends are in financial ruin having dropped from two incomes to just one, the kids were very emotionally and physically damaged when they arrived and have required a lot more than just TLC, it’s destroyed their relationship, they had to sell their house and are now renting.  And at the drop of a hat, those kids could be removed from their care and given back to the biological parents.  I just don’t know if fostering is for us.

I’ve also been looking into donor sperm/egg but with the introduction of the NSW Assisted Reproductive Technologies Act (2010), the waiting lists have inflated as donors opt out.  I was discussing this with the husband a few nights ago and I told him that if our fertility wasn’t an issue, I would be very happy for him to be a sperm donor.  I wouldn’t be upset to be eventually contacted by an eighteen year old produced via donated sperm.  I think I’d rather a situation where the recipients were unknown, simply because I’m a firm believer of live and let live.  It would be a whole lot easier to live and let live if those children were raised by people we didn’t know or see regularly.  Anyway, I think that if we reach the point where it becomes apparent that we can’t have a healthy baby on our own, then I would seriously consider asking for a donor embryo.  There are so many little snowflakes stored away in freezers around the world; something like 500,000 in North America alone.  It would be very difficult, I know, for parents to know their IVF children have a full sibling out there somewhere but it is something I would still seriously consider.

Yes, this is what I do all day.  I alternate between crying for the babies we have lost, searching for a solution, or a way out of this mess.

Another bullet point post, because that’s how I roll.

• Having a new car to drive is wonderful. It is so comfortable and easy to drive that sometimes I feel kinda guilty for not missing the old car. We went past the dealer last week and saw they had the Golf in their used car lot for $8999! That’s more than double the trade in price they gave us. Ouch!
• Speaking of the new car; I’ve had my heart in my throat several times when random and unexpected objects have come dangerously close to hitting the car. The first item was a full beer keg. I had just dropped the husband off at the train station one morning when a beer keg that was being rolled along the footpath from the delivery truck to a pub’s cellar door got away from the toothless gimp delivery guy and bounced off the kerb then rolled merrily within half a foot of the driver’s door before the delivery guy stopped it. Gah! Then the next morning I was most of the way to work when a delivery truck fully laden with empty blue wheelie bins rounded the corner some three or four cars ahead of me. Foolishly some idiot had elected to ride in the back of the uncovered truck so as to attempt to hold the tall stacks of bins steady. Inevitably as the truck rounded the corner two stacks of bins fell off and bounced along the road. Myself and the other drivers had to take evasive action to avoid hitting them. The last item to nearly hit the car was a moron attached to a leaf blower. Again I was on my way to work and there had been a car accident earlier on that had just been cleared. For whatever reason, the Road and Traffic Authority Guy was walking along the median strip with a leaf blower in his hand. I was just a few car lengths from him when he changed the angle of his grip and the length of the leaf blower stuck out well into my lane. I braked and just as I was about to pass him (and go *clunk*), he suddenly changed the angle of his grip again so the leaf blower was pointed in front of him. Emergency diverted!
• I’ve been really stressed these last few weeks with work and uni but the final exams were this week and now that it’s all over (at least the study part is, the work part hasn’t changed) I feel like a new person. The biggest weight has been lifted from my shoulders. The exam itself wasn’t particularly hard, there was just one question that I wasn’t sure about but when I went back to it after answering the rest of the paper, I had an answer for it.
• Speaking of work, we’re gearing up to do another round of interviews. There were 41 applicants that I’ve culled down to seven. Two look really worthwhile, one looks interesting and four aren’t suitable but met the criteria so therefore we’re obliged to interview them. I really can’t wait until we’re fully staffed again. I’ve got mountains of paperwork piling up and while my assistant does try very hard, she just doesn’t have an eye for detail. The sooner we can get someone else on, the sooner I can get my assistant onto tasks that better match her skill set and the happier I will be! The husband and I are even toying with the idea of taking a holiday. It’s not far off first wedding anniversary and with losing the baby shortly there after, it really feels as though it’s been many years since our last break. I guess ultimately it will depend on how long it takes to appoint and train up the new recruit as well as any developments with the swine flu hamdemic. Good times.
• Babies. The (in)fertility treatment doesn’t appear to be doing much. Meh.
• My sister inlaw is pregnant and due to give birth in August so to help prepare my little niece for the arrival of her little brother, the husband and I gave her a newborn Cabbage Patch Doll. She instantly fell in love with it and delighted everyone by giving it cuddles, drinks from its little plastic bottle and naps in its little plastic capsule. Adorable! She even had a mini-tantrum when my girlfriend’s ten month old daughter picked up the CPK’s bottle to play with. Hilarious! I was so happy that I could give my niece her first CPK. I have found memories of my own and while she’s far too little to remember receiving it, it’s still kinda special. :)
• I celebrated another birthday a few weeks ago and can honestly say it was one of the best. The husband asked me what I would like for my birthday dinner and I decided to have my favourite meal — Christmas dinner. Turkey, baked vegetables, cranberry sauce. Lovely! The girls at work had a morning tea for me and gave me a variey of birthday cards (and a gift voucher for the local department store). The husband, bless him, turned the event into an extended celebration by giving me a little gift each day for a few days either side of my birthday. One of the gifts he gave me was House of the Dead 2&3 for the Wii — it was my favourite game on the Dreamcast (remember that thing??) and I loved reliving the zombie blasting fun so much that I couldn’t grip a pen properly for a day or so afterwards. Stupid trigger finger. Heh. He also gave me Call of Duty 4 which I’ve been loving. For a day or so I tried to convince the husband that I really was Soap MacTavish, SAS and awesome. He wasn’t buying it.  I finished the single player campaign very quickly; in what seemed to be just five or six hours.  It ended just as I was really getting into it which was very disappointing.  I guess I’m just use to massive roleplaying games like Oblivion that take 200+ hours to complete.  Speaking of Oblivion, I still have the Shivering Isles expansion to finish.  I love this time between uni semesters!  Game on!
• What with it being Winter and all, I’ve made a scientific discovery. It would appear that the degree of sluttiness of the skirt plus knee length boots combo can be directly correlated to the percentage  of body fat of the wearer. It appears that the sluttier the skirt/boot combo; the greater the volume of body fat, particularly in the thigh/arse regions. I wonder if this is a local phenomenon or if it’s global? Clearly I should apply for a research grant.
• The first prize in Ozlotto is $90M this week. Lemme just spell that out for you: A$90,000,000.00 Jesus wept!

1. OMGEEEE! Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland with my beloved Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter. I am giddy with excitement!
2. My local pizza shop and the fabulous pizza making person who didn’t laugh when I ordered the gourmet vegetarian with pepperoni. And chilli. Best pizza ever.
3. Elizabeth Zimmerman and her clever garter stitch baby blanket pattern. I’m very close to finishing the blanket and it’s been a very enjoyable project to work on.
4. Kermit, my little green ipod, which will accompany on my morning run. I have lots of David Bowie loaded up and ready to go just for the occasion.
5. My husband who didn’t complain at all when I said that I just wanted to lay on the couch today.
6. My poor old diabetic cat, who never complains about having injections twice daily or about the crippling arthritis throughout her body. She just purrs and loves any attention, no matter how fleeting.
7. Ilford for continuing to produce photographic chemicals, as I have just used the last of my now obsolete Agfa stash.
8. Eurovision Song Contest, for providing an infinite supply of tragic fashion and completely laughable musical talent. And Abba. I was rooting for Poland this year. Oh well.

• Piano lessons are going very well so I bought myself a little treat:
• I have had a very productive week as far as knitting goes. I’ve finished the lacy pink and black scarf and a pair of uber cute black Converse Chuck Taylor booties. I’m keen to cast on again but I have no idea what to make next. I’m seriously considering knitting baby items to sell since learning that one of the knitted soakers I made for a friend’s baby fetched over $30 on ebay. And that was as a second-hand item! Not bad for $4 worth of wool and a couple of hours in front of the tv. My thought is that I’m going to knit anyway, I might as well make a little money doing it. And it could provide a nice little income when (if) I’m (ever) at home with a baby.
• Uni starts up again on Monday and I’m quite excited about it. I’ll be taking Commercial Law first up, which looks pretty interesting. Best of all, unlike previous law texts, the textbook isn’t massive; it will actually fit into my regular handbag so I won’t have to carry a separate bag around with me.
• Work was better this week. I have another assistant and she is awesome. The first assistant they gave me came from the temporary staffing pool was relieved from her position after being one hour late on five consecutive days, calling in sick on her sixth day, late again on day seven, then failing to show up or call in on the day eight. Assistant V2.0 is enthusiastic, intelligent, proactive and professional. She’s also wickedly funny and makes an excellent cup of tea.
• Gossip from the ‘hood: A couple of days ago my Korean neighbour side-swiped my other neighbour’s late model green car with their little white shitbox. They exchanged a good amount of paint and did a substantial amount of damage then DROVE OFF! Today they parked their shitbox on the street again but didn’t even attempt to hide the green paint on their own car. She confronted the neighbours but they pulled the “sorry no english” thing, just as they did when I confronted them about flicking cigarette butts onto our lawn. Needless to say, she has taken plenty of photos and involved the police. Ahh, it’s all good in the hood.
• Today my sister and I bought a fabulous variety of birthday presents for our very spoilt and completely gorgeous niece. She turns one tomorrow. Where does the time go?
• While exerting an incredible amount of self-control, I was able to walk straight past the huge Easter egg display at Big W today without pushing my thumb through any of the eggs. I did, however, attempt to hurt a Terry’s Chocolate Orange as part of my personal protest against the combining of hated fake ORANGE flavouring with much loved CHOCOLATE, only to be informed by my sister that said Terry’s Chocolate Orange is actually solid not hollow, and therefore impervious to my thumb. The force is strong with this one.
• I really don’t like my new Remington electric razor. My old one was great but this one is so rough on my skin. Damn you Remington *shakes fist*
• Max’s due date was last Friday. I had really hoped to be pregnant again by now but it obviously wasn’t meant to be. I’m getting really tired of all the deliberate glances towards my belly. Fortunately I’ve managed to lose all the baby weight plus one kilo so there’s nothing to see.

Sydney has been in the midst of a heatwave* for the last week or so but this hasn’t really affected me because I work in an air-conditioned office and drive an air-conditioned car. The temps reached the low 40s (108F+) last weekend but again, I was in air-conditioning so it wasn’t really an issue. Shortly before midnight on Thursday, neither of us could sleep due to the heat so we hit the local supermarket for ice-cream. That litre tub of Sara Lee Ultra Chocolate helped more than you could imagine. :)

When we arrived home from work last night, the air was thick with smoke from the bushfires in Lane Cove National Park and we had to keep our windows closed overnight because of the smell. Today the temps climbed past 40C again and it’s predicted that the temps will hit 46C+ (115F+) tomorrow which will make New South Wales officially the hottest place on the planet. Truly. Even the plains of Africa and the deserts of the Middle East will not be as hot tomorrow. Unbelievable!

Right now I’m laying on the couch, writing this, having just ordered something fun from Amazon and thinking about grabbing an ice-cream sandwich from the freezer and maybe watching a DVD. Heatwave? Bring it on!

* Heatwave = We’re having the most number of 40C days in a row ever recorded.

“I postpone death by living, by suffering, by error, by risking, by giving, by losing.”

Anais Nin

“The colour of my soul is iron-grey and sad bats wheel about the steeple of my dreams.”
~ Claude Debussy

Your soul is like a landscape fantasy,

Where masks and Bergamasks, in charming wise,

Strum lutes and dance, just a bit sad to be

Hidden beneath their fanciful disguise.

Singing in minor mode of life’s largesse

And all-victorious love, they yet seem quite

Reluctant to believe their happiness,

And their song mingles with the pale moonlight,

The calm, pale moonlight, whose sad beaty, beaming,

Sets the birds softly dreaming in the trees,

And makes the marbled fountains, gushing, streaming -

Slender jet-fountains – sob their ecstasies.

I just wasn’t in the mood for Christmas this year for obvious reasons and I was very happy that my brother and his wife were hosting lunch. We had a good day with the fam (though dad’s gf was a no-show yet again) and enjoyed watching my little niece rocking her mad crawling skillz. However, they threw us a bit of a curve ball by moving Christmas lunch to the Sunday prior because this left us sitting at home alone, staring at the walls and being all meh which is exactly what we wanted to avoid. My sister and her husband mentioned to her inlaws that we’d be all meh on Christmas and they extended an invitation to us to join them for lunch instead. We had a great day with great people, listened to a little Trans-Siberian Orchestra, drank a little appletini, played a little Wii Music, did a little knitting and watched the men folk do a little snoozing. Good times.

I really like to do something, anything on new years eve and this year I had no idea what I wanted to do, and only a vague idea of what I didn’t want to do. In the end, the usual suspects came over early for drinks, nibbles, dinner, music and several epic rounds of The Settlers of Catan. We played until 3am, then my brother, his wife and I played again for much of the next day. I even won a game though I made a massive enemy of my brother in the process by building the longest road right through the middle of his almost mighty empire! If you haven’t played, then you really should. It’s great with 4 players, and marginally better with 3 but my brother has promised to get the expansion pack which will make the game board bigger so it should be perfect for 4-6 players. Can’t wait for that. :)

This is clique but fortunately clique is the new black, so I’m going to write one of those Year in Review things. Behold!

2008: Year of the Crap, a review.

J is for January – and jeopardy, jaded, and jerks

Depression came to stay. I wasn’t in a good place post Christmas and miscarriage, and I was getting a combination of grief from the partner and cold-shoulders his family. If I thought everything had come to a head at Christmas, I was wrong. It boiled again on his birthday when his mother declined to come over for lunch and to meet my father, instead choosing to arrive after he had left. Dad didn’t stay for more than a minute anyway. Whatever.

F is for February – and fiance, feud and fall-out

The partner and I got engaged after six years. I wondered how I was suppose to set a date and plan a wedding when the prospective inlaws clearly hated me. Depression continued to set in.

M is for March – and missing, memories and meloncholy

My longest and oldest friend went missing from her university dorm room on 9th March. Her disappearance shocked family and friends, and caught the attention of various media outlets. It didn’t look good.

A is for April – and agony, angst and apathy

The news of Nadia’s disappearance and suspected suicide weighed terribly on me. My thinking at the time was that, as Nadia was everything that I could ever want to be, if she couldn’t handle it, what hope was there for me? I was supposed to be planning a wedding but as the prospective inlaws still weren’t talking to me it seemed pointless, I was struggling with uni, I hated my job, I’d lost interest in everything I cared about. I thought we were going to have to elope if we were going to marry at all but I really didn’t want that. Decided getting married was never going to happen.

M is for May – and meh, monotony and meloncholy

Still depressed, still not planning a wedding, still floundering at uni, still not interested in anything, still barely holding everything together.

J is for June – and jolt, joy and jubilant

Discovered I was pregnant. The depression lifted and was replaced by this new found purpose and direction – motherhood. Who would have guessed? Also this month my old grey cat was diagnosed with diabetes and became insulin dependant. Phrases such as “Did you stab the cat?” and “We’ll be over right after we shoot the cat” become common place.

J is for July – and jovial, jolly and jaunt

The prospective inlaws took the news of the pregnancy so well that they actually started talking to me again. We decided that the time to marry was now, and after a quick day trip to the Blue Mountains, we had all of the wedding arrangements made within ten days.

A is for August – and awesome, absolute and amore

We married on 23rd August and everything was PERFECT. Best.Day.Ever.Seriously! We went to Hamilton Island for our honeymoon and were loving our lives together so much.

S is for September – and sadness, sympathy and sorry

A week after returning from our honeymoon, we received the terrible news that our baby had Potter’s Syndrome. He was born at 19w,6d on 23rd September. We named him Max and held him until he died.

O is for October – and obituary, oblivion and obstacles

Much of this month is a blur, not because it flew by quickly but because it was viewed through tears. There were many phone calls, questions, appointments with doctors and sadness.

N is for November – and nosedive, novels and neophytes

More sadness and plenty of angst at work. I longed for something but didn’t know what. I started looking for a new job. I wondered if my life would ever get better and wished I could step into an alternate universe. My sister introduced me to the Cullens and I replaced sad thoughts of losing our son with happy thoughts of running with vampires.

D is for December – and debris, diffidence and dhampirs

I stopped obsessing about the baby I lost, quit the counsellor and started obsessing about vampires instead. I rediscovered music and used my ipod/last.fm to keep my head filled with cool tunes and clever lyrics. If I can’t hear the sadness in my head then it can’t touch me. Right? Right!

And so that was 2008. I’m not going to bet the house on 2009 and instead will cautiously set my expectations to very low thereby avoiding future disappointment. It’s just better that way.