The universe clearly wanted me to have a new overlocker :)

I set it up tonight and everything was going swimmingly until I broke a thread. We’ve watched the instructional DVD a bunch of times (the acting is wooden, there’s no character development and the plot is very thin, ha!) And as I write this, my husband is attempting to rethread it for me.

Ah, he’s done it. Mr Fixit strikes again ;)

Edited to add: I forgot to mention that the sales girl also through in a neat pair of fabric scissors.

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Given the way our friendship with this couple dissolved I am not at all surprised. They used, abused and thoroughly trashed the relationship until I finally cut them off. I talked to the husband about it and while he was sure he could clean and service the machine so it would work again, I would rather just buy a new one. I know that every time I try to use it, I will curse her name and quite frankly I don’t need that negativity. I’d be far happier to never give her another thought.

So tonight we did some research and after carefully comparing product features and reviews, I am heavily leaning towards buying a Pfaff overlocker. I just need to locate a local distributor. The major retailers only carry the more basic or unreliable machines. I am hoping to buy one this week but as we’re away next weekend it could actually wait another week.

It’s such a pain because I have fabric cut and ready to sew now.

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Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

With regards to the woman that falsely accused me of bullying, I am doing my utmost to avoid her entirely. I no longer offer her any assistance with her work and she hasn’t dared ask for it so if nothing else my workload is substantially lighter. She was stuck back for two hours yesterday as a consequence but she still didn’t approach me for help. Obviously she hasn’t apologised to me and it’s unlikely she will.

On top of everything, one of my colleagues has taken my group certificate. They were issued while I was on leave and rather than mail it to me or leave it in my desk, it was last seen in the hands of the trouble-maker. For those that don’t know, a group certificate is a summary of annual earnings and tax paid for the year and it is required to put in a tax return. This makes me so furious as they had no right to give it to that woman and she has no right to retain it. The only reason she could possibly have for taking it is to fuck me over. I am trying to get another issued but HR are being difficult about it. I now have to haul arse to the other side of the campus and sign something before they will issue another.

Assholes.

Did anyone else the news report about the discovery of eight murdered newborns? Words cannot describe how I felt when I saw that…

This is the same woman that called, emailed and texted me during my leave.  She also brought flowers to the house and came to the funeral.  And just two weekends ago she brought her husband, daughters and daughters’ friends to a sporting event with my sister, myself and my sister’s friends.  If you were being bullied, would you willingly go out and buy six tickets to a sporting event and arrange to tag along with the “bully” and her friends/family?  She did this without being invited but I welcomed her along and offered to save seats for her.  And would that same “bully” organise vocational courses within 24 hours of your request, or openly offer help, support, encouragement and praise on a daily basis?

I feel so betrayed.  I defended myself and denied the allegations and within a few minutes this woman admitted that I did not tell her she was useless.  Regardless, my manager sent me home at 9.30am on Tuesday and suggested I take a month off.  I was scheduled to see the EAP psychologist on Thursday to discuss the situation.  I felt like I was being punished and that they were using my losses as an excuse.  I felt resentment and anger, disappointed and disillusioned.

So I met with the psychologist yesterday.  My first impression of this slightly rough looking little bloke was “he’s not going to get it at all” but to my total surprise he did get it.  After two hours, I left with confirmation that what I have requested of this staff member is very difficult to construe as bullying.  He said my actions are not the actions of a bully and her actions are not the actions of someone being bullied.  He suggested what I suspected – that the person making the complaint probably has some sort of self-esteem problems and when I ask her to fix her mistakes, she hears “You are useless and can’t do anything right”.  She has the problem, not me. I just need to be aware of it and tread very very lightly around her.

On the other hand, I need to acknowledge that she has many years of administrative experience and she needs to be responsible for her actions.  I am not responsible for the quality of her work.  I do not need to helicopter over her and the other staff or mother-hen them.  We were in ready agreement that I have unusually high standards/expectations probably relating to certain events during my formative years (alcoholic and abusive mother that would scream and hit if things weren’t done properly, a tyrant manager in my first admin job at 17 that would boost production with statements such as “what’s wrong with you that you can’t answer the phone in two rings”, etc).  I explained that I don’t feel comfortable with the thought of lowering the standards by which I work and he said I should continue as I do but no longer shield others from the criticisms.  If someone comes to me about a mistake, I should refer that person to the person responsible rather than me passing the criticism on myself.  I really love that idea!

He identified some typical issues relating to team dynamics and said that most of the problems directly stem from the fact that they had no one supervising their work while I was away.  They quickly lowered the point of equilibrium between the volume of work and the acceptable standards, but now I am back and asking them to perform to the previous standard, they are resisting because it wasn’t an issue when I was on leave.  And because they see it as an issue only now I’m back, in their eyes, it’s my emotional state driving it and therefore shouldn’t be taken seriously.  The criticism needs to come from other sources for it to be taken seriously.

We also talked about my grief and some things that seem to be worrying the people around me.  He was very quick to point out that everything I described is normal grief and that I am overwhelmingly sad but he does not think I am depressed.  He pointed out that I am missing most of the depression symptoms but have all of the grief symptoms.  I found this single statement very empowering.  It’s nice to know that I’m ok, in the context of the things that have happened.  There are even fancy names for it all, none of which I can remember now.  For example, my inability to plan ahead.  My personal calendar has today and tomorrow but there are no days after that.  If you want to know what I am doing next Wednesday, ask me next Tuesday.  Normal.  I have a shortened attention span and don’t care for the things I use to like doing.  Normal.  I don’t sleep well, I have been sick on and off for months, I’m losing weight now that I’m no longer trying to lose weight.  All normal.  About the sleep thing, he helped me with some tricks to stop the bad dreams.  It’s good that I have the same ones over and over, they’re easier to rewrite.  As I’m going to sleep I just need to visualise the dreams with some nice changes and that should take care of that.  We hope.  We did some relaxation exercises too, something involving breathing.   I agreed to try it out.

The important thing that showed him and my manager that the issues with the staff member and the issues with my losses are separate is the fact that I don’t bring my problems to work.  Yes I have bad days when I’m very sad and even cry at my desk but those days have always been when someone else initiates the conversation with me or says something horrible.  If these people didn’t talk about it then it wouldn’t upset me and I’d be able to get through the day without needing waterproof mascara.  I’m very good at putting things in bottles.

So I spoke to my manager and explained that I am not happy about having to take a month of my annual leave and told her that it feels like a punishment.  She said it definitely is not a punishment but was intended to give me and the accuser time and breathing space (I felt like asking if the accuser is on forced leave too but thought better of it!!).  My manager said she has been in contact with human resources who said that regardless of whatever is going on,  I have too much leave and need to take it asap.  I have 3 weeks of sick leave and 8 weeks of annual leave owing.  I explained that I had intended to use that leave as part of my maternity leave and she said she understood.  I further said that me being away from the work place creates further disruptions and will be viewed by everyone else as a sign of guilt or fault.  And keeping me busy is paramount to my mental health so sitting at home and staring at the walls doesn’t really help me at all.  We renegotiated the leave terms and I agreed to take one week off in addition to the week I’ve just had while everything was sorted out.

I was scheduled to have surgery on 3 August which requires 1-2 weeks of recuperation.  I spoke to the surgeon’s secretary and he is away next week so I have elected to cancel my surgery for the time being.

Whatever, I didn’t want to go anyway.

Every single damn day someone says something completely heartless to me. On Tuesday I was cornered by TWO nosy co-workers from another department (I was over there to drop off some documents) and being unable to escape, I burst into tears instead. Then I returned to my department to hide in my office and cry. My manager took me aside and after a brief chat, she sent me home and gave me Wednesday off too. I was glad for that because I did not want to pretend to be happy while choking down birthday cake at morning tea. Yeah, Wednesday was my birthday. I’m now 35 and officially of ‘advanced maternal age’.

Happy birthday to me… I woke up at 6am, saw the husband off, did the ironing, played a pc game with a few online friends (gaming has kept me out of harm’s way these last few months), ate just a piece of cheese and a cup of tea, listened to my brother tell me his plans now that he and his wife have split, then went to collect my organic fruit/veg order. I was home by 7pm-ish, my sister dropped in for a quick dinner (Pizza Hut, which I don’t like but the husband does and that’s what matters) and then I went back to gaming before crawling into bed at 11.30pm. Some time during the day, my grandmother called to wish me a happy birthday. She had lots of ideas to help me “get over it” (it??) including take up tennis, do some volunteer work, take up painting, do some gardening, take a florist course, etc. I had to tell her over and over that my problem has nothing to do with needing activities to fill my days and everything to do wanting a baby but not being able to keep one alive. So adopt, she says. We don’t qualify for adoption; we have no religious affiliation, my husband is too old, we do not have ‘proven infertility’ and we don’t have the money.

I went back to work today and was largely ignored by everyone. At lunch time, four of my co-workers stood in the corridor outside my office and had an animated conversation about their pregnancies One of them is currently pregnant and was leading the conversation. I pushed my office door closed and tried not to cry. Again.

I love my job but I think I’m going to have to resign.

1. It’s ok that my babies are dead because, had they lived, they would have grown up to be bad people, and
2. That if I do decide to try again, that I should eat a teaspoon of pure honey every day because it is a natural antibiotic and that will “help”.

Asshole.

Dear People of Earth,
If you ever happen to cross paths with someone that has sadly lost a baby (or several), please keep your fucking comments to yourself.

Love,
T.xx