My doctor made some calls to chase up the results from the chromosomal testing that was ordered on our baby’s cartilage. We were told that we should have the results by December, if not earlier but the lab has advised her that, due to a massive backlog, our results are still six months away. I didn’t take the news well (lots of tears) but several days later, I’ve gotten my head around it and realise that I can’t do anything about it. The idea of having to wait six months before we can try for another baby is just too cruel to contemplate.

My sister and I were on niece-sitting duty on Saturday night. The little mite skipped out on her afternoon nap so she was a little grouchy but lovable just the same. We put the baby to bed, ordered pizza and spent the next half an hour waiting for the delivery boy while listening to our niece cry. Then the crying stopped but we could still hear noises coming from her bedroom. We listened at the door and stifled laughter as we listened to her babbling, cooing and blowing big fat raspberries. That kid will kill you with the cuteness!

Eventually the pizza arrived so we put on a chick-flick and settled down for an evening of DVDs and knitting. And that’s when Aunt Flo arrived and I’ve got to say that I have never been so flippin’ HAPPY and EXCITED to see her! I phoned home to tell the husband, and even he was super happy! This means we (well, me) could be ovulating again in a couple of weeks and possibly pregnant again soon!

The doctors haven’t told us officially when we can start trying to conceive again, and given the delay with the chromosomal testing, we’ve decided that we aren’t happy to delay TTC for six months. Potter’s Syndrome is approximately 1 in 4000 while my current Down’s Syndrome risk is 1 in 700 and rising. Another six months down the track and my Down’s Syndrome risk will be closer to 1 in 600. If the chromosomal testing indicates that genetic counselling is warranted, there’s still no guarantee that we’ll have a healthy baby unless we use IVF. There’s a whole lot of if’s and but’s in that which is why we think we might as well just try again ourselves.

I saw the bereavement counsellor today. She was easy to talk to but I didn’t like the emphasis she put on spiritulism and anti-depressants. Spiritulism: I don’t know what I believe. I have major difficulty believing in the existence of a God and everything that comes with that, however, I’d like to believe that there is more to life than this. Anti-depressants: I don’t want them or believe I need them; I’d like to conceive again soon and I can’t do that while popping pills, nor do I feel that I am in such a state that requires them.

The counsellor didn’t tell me anything that I didn’t already know and she didn’t have any answers for me, not that I expected it. She was quite perceptive though, and was able to tell me how she thought I’d possibly react to conceiving again, and most importantly, to not conceiving again. We entered into a brief nature vs nuture debate too, based on the conditioning I received from my mother in doing things “right” vs my personality which naturally leans towards the obsessive! She was extremely glad to know that we’d been able to hold Max, take photos, etc etc etc and eventually bring his ashes home as she said these are important factors as to how I will grieve and get through it all. Her suggestions to help me cope included:

1. Write about my experience so that once I commit it to text I will be able to start letting it go. Already done; in the form of this website!

2. Speak to people who have had similar experiences, such as a pregnancy loss support group, so that I can gain strength from others who have been there and so I can see that I am not alone. Already done; I’ve found a group on Facebook for Potter’s Syndrome and have been emailing with an Australian girl who lost her baby to Potter’s three days after I lost Max. I also have found a pregnancy loss group and a ‘trying to conceive after loss’ group within a pregnancy website, and another pregnancy loss group within a crafting website that I frequent.

3. Not be so hard on myself, and to make some time for myself. Already done; during the week I stopped into Priceline and bought an eye mask for my permanently tear-puffy eyes and a foot scrub thingy to use in the bath (I’m bringing back the night time soaks in the bath which I stopped for fear of overheating the baby). Incidently, I don’t think I’m being hard on myself except, perhaps, for the little bit of regret I’ve been dwelling on regarding not getting a third, fourth, fifth, et al opinion. Hmm.

4. Talk to Max’s ashes and tell him that I’m sorry, that I tried, etc etc etc as appropriate to my feelings/thoughts. I don’t know if I’m ready to tackle this one yet. I need to think about it.

She wants me to schedule four more appointments with her, two weeks apart. I’ll need to ask for more time off from work. :S

It is possible that either one of two things happened today…

1. I unknowingly parked on top of an ants’ nest, or

2. I am the victim of an Acme Insta-Ants prank

When I returned to my car after work today, I found the front bonnet and windscreen covered in lots of angry black ants. Some of them even had wings! I quickly got into the car and closed the vents. After a cursory glance around the interior of the car did not reveal any stowaways, I drove home while attempting to shake the offending ants off the car. Unfortunately this only seemed to make the ants angrier. I feel just like Katherine Hepburn — I am the African Queen!

If anyone is looking for me, I’ll be outside digging a mote around my car.

Just a quick update. I’ve seen a new GP – she was brilliant and I’m so glad I’ve made the break from my old doctor. She’s happy with the way I’ve healed postpartum but very concerned about my moods. I’ve had another very low week, and spent much of it hiding out in my office crying. She referred me to a bereavement psychologist and I’ve got an appointment to see her on Friday but at $190 per session I don’t think I’ll be able to afford many sessions. I’m hoping my health fund will cover some of it. The doctor was also concerned that I was told the genetic testing results would take three months so she is going to call the hospital on Monday and see if she can find out something. I was also told that the current waiting list is 8+ months for genetic counselling but she seems to think she could get me in right away as an urgent case.

The only thing the doctor couldn’t really tell me is when it would be ok to try again. I’ve been told that I should wait for one cycle, three cycles or just wait until my body tells me I’m ready. The doctor said she’d make enquiries and let me know.

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Many people aren’t aware that this day has been designated a national day of remembrance for miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss.

Incredibly 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage or stillbirth. In Australia, the term stillborn is given for a baby that has died after 20 weeks gestation. Before 20 weeks this loss is termed miscarriage.

The month of October is also National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. For those of us that have said goodbye it is an important time to perhaps reflect on the life that was and to help raise awareness of these tragic statistics.

Did you know: The Howard Government pledged $800,000 to the Bonnie Babes Foundation to help fund research into miscarriage and stillbirth but the Rudd Government has not honoured this pledge!

For anyone reading this who is seeking support, the Bonnie Babes Foundation and SIDS and Kids are organisations who support families who have experienced loss of a baby.

This month you can give your support to the Bonnie Babes Foundation by purchasing a soft toy, tote bag or badge available from Target. 100% of the proceeds will go to Bonnie Babes. You can also buy these items online from the Bonnie Babes website. On the 17th October 5% of the proceeds from all kidswear sold in Target stores will go the Bonnie Babes Foundation. The funds raised are invaluable to fund the support of these families. All donations over $2 are tax-deductible.

For National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day, it is recommended that at 7pm we light a candle to remember all of the little lost babies. The idea is that with all of the different time zones, there will be a wave of light that shines in rememberance.

I should read more!

1 Harry Potter series – J.K Rowling

2 Twilight – Stephenie Meyer

3 Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen

4 The Obernewtyn Chronicles – Isobelle Carmody

5 My Sister’s Keeper – Jodi Picoult

6 To Kill A Mockingbird – Harper Lee

7 The Book Thief – Markus Zusak

8 Breath – Tim Winton

9 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini

10 Break No Bones – Kathy Reichs

11 The Power Of One – Bryce Courtenay

12 Fight Club – Chuck Palahniuk

13 Magician – Raymond E. Feist

14 The Bronze Horseman – Paullina Simons

15 Mao’s Last Dancer – Li Cunxin

16 Memoirs Of A Geisha – Arthur Golden

17 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold

18 Cross – James Patterson

19 Persuasion – Jane Austen

20 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte

21 The Time Traveler’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger

22 The Secret – Rhonda Byrne

23 Marley and Me – John Grogan

24 Antony and Cleopatra – Colleen McCullough

25 April Fools Day – Bryce Courtney

26 North & South – Elizabeth Gaskell

27 In My Skin – Kate Holden

28 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte

29 A Thousand Splendid Suns – Khaled Hosseini

30 The Other Boleyn Girl – Phillipa Gregory

31 Nineteen Minutes – Jodi Picoult

32 Atonement – Ian McEwan

33 Shantaram Gregory – David Roberts

34 Pillars Of The Earth – Ken Follett

35 The Pact – Jodi Picoult

36 Ice Station – Matthew Reilly

37 Cloudstreet – Tim Winton

38 Jessica – Bryce Courtenay

39 A New Earth – Eckhart Tolle

40 The Princess Bride – William Goldman

41 Running With Scissors – Augusten Burroughs

42 Anybody Out There? – Marian Keyes

43 Life Of Pi – Yann Martel

44 Seven Ancient Wonders – Matthew Reilly

45 People Of The Book – Geraldine Brooks

46 Six Sacred Stones – Matthew Reilly

47 Memory Keeper’s Daughter – Kim Edwards

48 Brother Odd – Dean Koontz

49 Tully – Paullina Simons

50 Tuesdays with Morrie – Mitch Albom

51 The Catcher in the Rye – J.D Salinger

52 Eragon – Christopher Paolini

53 Eat, Pray, Love – Elizabeth Gilbert

54 It’s Not About The Bike – Lance Armstrong

55 A Tale of Two Cities – Charles Dickens

56 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry

57 The Alchemist – Paulo Coelho

58 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell

59 A Fortunate Life – A.B. Facey

60 The Mists of Avalon – Marion Zimmer Bradley

61 The Notebook – Nicholas Sparks

62 Water For Elephants – Sara Gruen

63 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom

64 The Host – Stephenie Meyer

65 Dirt Music – Tim Winton

66 Eldest – Christopher Paolini

67 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon

68 It – Stephen King

69 World Without End – Ken Follett

70 Emma – Jane Austen

71 Temple – Matthew Reilly

72 Little Women – Alcott Louisa May

73 Lean Mean Thirteen – Janet Evanovich

74 Scarecrow – Matthew Reilly

75 American Gods – Neil Gaiman

76 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez

77 P.S, I Love You – Cecelia Ahern

78 All That Remains – Patricia Cornwell

79 The Last Lecture – Randy Pausch

80 Past Secrets – Cathy Kelly

81 The Persimmon Tree – Bryce Courtenay

82 Husband – Dean Koontz

83 Plain Truth – Jodi Picoult

84 Wicked – Gregory Maguire

85 Spot Of Bother – Mark Haddon

86 Always And Forever – Cathy Kelly

87 The Road – Cormac McCarthy

88 Cents & Sensibility – Maggie Alderson

89 Me Talk Pretty One Day – David Sedaris

90 The Shifting Fog – Kate Morton

91 We Need To Talk About Kevin – Lionel Shriver

92 Everyone Worth Knowing – Lauren Weisberger

93 Hour Game – David Baldacci

94 Darkly Dreaming Dexter – Jeff Lindsay

95 The Woods – Harlan Coben

96 Half of a Yellow Sun – Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

97 Middlesex – Jeffrey Eugenides

98 Scar Tissue – Anthony Kiedis

99 Infidel – Ayaan Hirsi Ali

100 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks

We brought Max’s ashes home today. The funeral director had been warned us that there would be a very small amount of ashes — possibly enough to fill a teaspoon or less. In preparation of finally bringing our baby home, we bought a small pewter trinket box for his ashes. It’s in the shape of Noah’s Ark, complete with little giraffe, elephant and lion poking out of the top and thought it was very appropriate since we had been crazy about the Zanzibar cot and nursery set. Just love those safari animals :)

When we opened the plastic container from the crematorium, we were shocked to see a lot more than a teaspoon of ashes. We’ve got closer to half a cup of ashes — far more than will fit into the pewter Ark. We’re guessing that it must be mostly from the casket because our baby was so tiny. I have no idea what we’ll do now. My sister suggested scattering half of his ashes and keeping the other half in the Ark but neither of us feel very good about “separating” him. I think we need more time to think about it and maybe we’ll feel differently about that idea later.

For the time being, I’ve left his ashes in the white plastic container from the crematorium with the name plate from his casket taped to the top. He rests between our pillows on our bed so I can hold him while we sleep, and if he needs us during the night, we’re right there…

I’ve spent most of the day crying. I can’t help it, I’m not really thinking about Max but the tears are falling just the same. This was the weekend that we were going to move furniture out of the spare room and repaint it to make it into the nursery. I didn’t shower this morning, and really just felt like laying on the couch in my pyjamas all day but I forced myself to get dressed and do other things around the house. We were invited to a BBQ at a friend’s house tonight but I decided to decline the invitation. It’s not that I don’t want to see our friends, it just that they have a new baby and one of the other couples that will be there also have a little baby and I’m just not in any shape to be around babies right now

I look like a zombie; I’m very pale, my eyes are sunken and I have very dark bags under my eyes. I’m also very tired even though I’m sleeping ok, and I’ve been having a few dizzy spells. My blood pressure has been low too — around 90/55. I haven’t seen anyone for postpartum care since the midwife came to the house because I’m so unhappy with the level of care I received from my GP and I don’t know who else to see. I phoned the surgery today to see which doctors were working as there is one I’d seen about a year ago who was very good but the horrible doctor that I saw directly after the first morphology scan was there and I don’t trust her at all. I suspect that my dizziness and tiredness are due to the blood loss. I’m still taking pregnancy vitamins as well as calcium + vit D because I figured I’d need them just as much now as I did before (and my last blood test showed a calcium deficiency).

I’m concerned that I’ve got a little case of postpartum blues but I don’t want to go on the pill to level out my hormones and I don’t want antidepressants so I guess that’s that. I don’t think anyone can help me anyway — I just want my baby back.

This is the ticker I was using on one of the pregnancy forums. I can’t quite bring myself to delete it. Sad and pathetic, that’s me