On Wednesday I finished reading Twlight and immediately followed my sister’s recommendation and read the currently incomplete Midnight Sun. Unfortunately I am now having problems remembering that Edward Cullen isn’t a real person. I have been waiting for him to appear at my window all day. Sigh. Today I hoovered all 594 pages of the second book New Moon – it took a mere twelve hours! I am completely and utterly in love with Edward Cullen and, as an insatiable Twilight neophyte, I want nothing more than to hungrily devour every single word in the four-point-five book series but at the same time I know I really should savour each delicious page because once I’ve reached that last page in the last book, there is no more to be had. There is clearly no hope for me. It is with MUCH delight that I admit that I’m only halfway through the series.

My wonderful beautiful sister has very kindly invited me to join her to see an early screening of Twilight on Wednesday night. Just the thought of it makes me giddy. Edward!

We received some more bad baby news this week. My brother’s wife’s sister is pregnant with twin girls and is due two weeks before my own EDD. Sadly one of the twins has died. There’s all kinds of complications involved now and I really hope that everything works out ok for mum and the surviving baby. It just goes to show that life is really very fragile and nothing is guaranteed until that baby is out and in your arms.

Today marks the two month anniversary of losing baby Max, and while I’m ok about this right now, I’m also a day or two off the end of my TWW. I’ve had a three BFN so I’m not holding out much hope that we’ll get it this time around. I have to keep telling myself that it’s ok if we don’t conceive before my EDD because this time really belongs to Max. If it is suppose to be then it will happen when it happens, right?

Since deferring my university studies this semester, I’ve been using all of this delicious free time to knit knit knit. I’ve just started Elizabeth Zimmerman’s garter stitch baby blanket in a pale blue. It’s a pretty cool little pattern but it required a provisional cast on which I’ve never done before. After googling for lots of how-to videos, I’ve finally mastered it and now feel like I’m king of the world!

I’ve also been knitting various items to give to the birthing unit to replace the items they gave us for Max. The little gown he wore was really too big and I thought I might be able to make something to fit these little 16-22wk babies. After roadtesting lots of different patterns, I’ve settled on an “Angel Wrap” which is a one-piece garment that has an attached bonnet and a front that laces up with ribbon. I prefer the ribbon lace-up patterns because it allows you to pull the laces a little snugger to make the garment a better fit on a smaller baby. I want to knit one more of these angel wraps and two little hats before our appointment at the birthing unit early next month. In truth I’m actually expecting a phone call from the birthing unit saying not to bother coming in because there are no results to be had from the chromosomal testing. Maybe they’ll prefer to tell us that in person? Who knows?

The same week I lost Max, I heard Regina Spektor’s cover version of John Lennon’s “Real Love” for the first time. I heard it again during the week and predictably went to pieces.

Real Love by John Lennon

All my little plans and schemes
Lost like some forgotten dream
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you

Just like little girls and boys
Playing with their little toys
Seems like all they really were doing
Was waiting for you

Don’t need to be alone
No need to be alone

It’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real

From this moment on I know
Exactly where my life will go
Seems that all I really was doing
Was waiting for love

Don’t need to be afraid
No need to be afraid

It’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real

Thought I’d been in love before,
But in my heart I wanted more
Seems like all I really was doing
Was waiting for you

Don’t need to be alone
No need to be alone

It’s real love
Yes it’s real, yes it’s real love
It’s real, yes it’s real love…

The counselling sessions are helping but the one thing that has helped us the most was seeing a genetics specialist. One of the doctors I work with asked her to see us as a favour and instead of having to wait almost a year for an appointment, she agreed to see us last Friday. She has ordered lots of tests including renal ultrasounds to make sure we both have two kidneys each. Apparently if one of the parents has one kidney, there’s a fairly high chance that their babies will have one kidney or none at all. If she finds that we both have two kidneys then she has put our risk of having another baby with bilateral renal agenesis at 3%. There’s no tests that can be done to detect it early except weekly ultrasounds from 10wks to check for the amniotic fluid and the morphology scan at 18wks. There’s also no way to test genetically for it because they haven’t identified the genes yet. And speaking of genes, right in the middle of the consultation, the geneticist suddenly thought of another place the baby’s specimen could be and after a quick phone call she had located the sample and had an answer for us. It turns out that the sample was sent off to another lab for cell culture but instead of growing cells for DNA testing, it grew a fungus. So the specimen couldn’t be used and that was the end of that. We were disappointed but also very relieved that the sample wasn’t just lost.

After a long consultation and a lot of tests (8 tubes of blood, no wonder the first vein collapsed!), the geneticist basically said “try again”. We’re scared it will happen again but at the same time, we’re excited because she is the first doctor to really give us the ok to try again. And so there you have it. I cried a little over the weekend and again on Monday afternoon (after an insensitive comment from the pregnant girl at work) but haven’t cried since. The counsellor has helped me with some visualisation techniques to help deal with the possibility of not conceiving and further miscarriages.

Ultimately, the husband and I have agreed that the five months that I was pregnant, right through to having Max was a very happy and positive experience even though it didn’t end the way we wanted, and we are willing to risk the pain and sadness again for the chance to have another baby. There’s been a lot of growth and grief-shedding in this house over the last couple of weeks!

A couple of days ago, my manager pulled some strings and was able to fast-track an appointment for me with one of the most highly regarded and respected clinicial geneticists in Sydney.  The husband and I had that appointment this morning. You may recall that I’d mentioned that the specimen taken from Max that was sent off for chromosomal testing had been lost. The geneticist had also contacted the cyto-genetics lab and was also advised that the specimen was never received. Then, half-way through the consultation, a light bulb went off in her head and she made a quick call to another department within the lab. It paid off, she located the specimen but was told that during the cell-culturing process, the specimen had grown fungus (presumably due to an aseptic collection technique) and they were unable to continue with the chromosomal testing. It’s disappointing to know that we will never know why this happened to Max but I’m so damn happy that the hospital didn’t lose the specimen. The geneticist said that it was very unlikely that the chromosomal testing would have revealed anything and she preferred to test the parents anyway.

She mapped our family’s pedigree, read through all of my antenatal pathology and ultrasound reports and gave us some really positive information regarding our estimated risks of having another baby with the same birth defect. She ordered chromosomal testing and renal ultrasounds for both of us, as well as a stack of other tests just for good measure. The results will take a few weeks to come back and we’ll see her again after that.

I also saw the grief counsellor again and I have to say that this session was a lot better than the last one. I didn’t cry nearly as much and we spent some time talking about developing some practical coping mechanisms for dealing with failing to conceive. I got a lot more out of the session and she seems to think I’ve made a lot of progress. She was particularly proud of me for facing the SIL’s new baby boy last weekend. I thought I’d gone backwards after last weekend but apparently it’s a big step in the process of desensitising oneself against the inevitable onslaught of babies. Apparently this will help me not to cry at the Huggies ads on tv…

So where does that leave us now? To summarise:

• The obstetrican said to delay trying again until we get Max’s test results back.
• The GP said that she didn’t know what to tell us, but that physically I’ve healed and I should perhaps delay until we get the test results back and I get a better handle on my grief.
• The grief counsellor said she had no concerns about how I will cope emotionally if we conceive again, however she wasn’t sure how I’d cope if we didn’t conceive. To combat this, she has taught me some visualising exercises to help me cope with the prospect of failing the Two Week Wait.
• The geneticist said that it is unlikely that we would have another child with the same birth defect but estimated our risk at around 3% (or 1 in 33) presuming normal renal ultrasounds on the husband and I.

Tonight we’re feeling a lot more positive about our future and the prospect of having a child together. :)

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Addit:  The husband and I have since both had renal ultrasounds, and the good news is that we both have two normal sized kidneys with no abnormalities seen.  So 1 in 33 it is.